Dear Satanic Majesty,
I am hedging my bets in writing to you reasoning that I may yet have the pleasure of your acquaintance. Expressions like ‘the road to damnation’,’a lost cause’, and ‘the devils spawn’ have on occasion been applied on my progress through life by card-carrying book clutchers. Hedging may not be such a great idea as has been proven by the financial markets in recent times. However, I will persist.
As a figment of the collective imagination you do get some seriously bad press. That may be a good bad result in your exalted opinion though it’s a finger pointing exercise by the collective. The list of monikers ascribed to you is impressive. Beelzebub, The Prince of Darkness, and Mephistopheles are cool, sorry, hot, but I’m not so sure you’d be pleased with Old Nick or Old Harry. Not my choice I hasten to inform.
You are portrayed as the bogeyman who preys on the innocent and puts the fear of god, if you’ll pardon the expression, into the believers of the aforementioned. Amongst other fabled manifestations you are credited with leading Adam and Eve down the garden path as a serpent, a talking serpent no less. Whilst on the subject of the Garden, since that mythical past we have, with or without your esteemed evilness, razed the garden to a shopping mall. As the temperature rises it starts to resemble your fabled abode, Apollyon.
The roll call of those doing eternity at your majesty’s pleasure must make for interesting reading, though some of the righteous rejects who were just right bastards could tarnish your reputation by association. There are currently some who think they are the almighty, apologies again, who will get the reject slip and you’ll be saddled with them. I’m sure you are already under pressure from the recently arrived Iron Lady. You have my sincere sympathy though I fear there may be worse to come. A word of advice; watch your back they are a slippery bunch of fuckers who could well be contenders in the evil stakes.
In conclusion a question if I may. All that wailing and gnashing of teeth eternally must be a real pain and you the Great Tempter, aren’t you ever tempted to crank up the heat and torch the lot? I’m sure you could find an alternative salaried position with your experience. Frankly, you missed an excellent opening recently, tailor made for one of your exaltedness.